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After I turned around I waited for the flash of excitement I felt whenever I saw Angus. That ridiculous longing and unrequited crush was something I could grab on to.
Angus strutted up to us, all cocky half grin and knowing blue eyes. A sheen of sweat was on his hairless, tan chest, tattoos covering almost every available inch. I tried to see him through Liv’s eyes and couldn’t tell if she would be repulsed, or attracted the way I was. But when I saw them look at each other, they suddenly made perfect sense to me. I knew they would end up together. I felt a beat behind, like I’d shown up too late to the party to put a stop to what was happening in front of my face.
“Livvy Jaynes, you slummin’ today?”
“Apparently.” A huge smile played on Liv’s face. God, she could light up.
“What took you so long?”
“I wasn’t sure I could make it.”
I rolled my eyes at that one.
They eyed each other intently for a moment. I was surprised to know Angus was slightly nervous, which was not something I’d ever seen.
“I’m sitting down. Sorry, assholes.” Angus pointed his chin in the direction of George and friends, who were staring down hard at Liv from their position.
Angus sprawled next to me on the blanket, putting me between them. Then he proceeded to plaster himself against my side as he leaned across me to talk to Liv. I inched away and wondered if he cared. Angus was always overfamiliar—touching me all summer by leaning against me, holding my hand. I had thought it was because he liked me. Now I felt sadness, disgust, and an Of course feeling all wrapped together. I felt another surge of unrecognizable and totally unacceptable anger. She could have everything. I’d given her everything. Why this…?
What a total d-bag.
I looked up to see who had called Angus a douchebag and was about to get the shit kicked out of them. It hadn’t been said in a joking way by one of the Lost Kids. It had been said in the most derogatory tone you could imagine. But there wasn’t anyone near us, except for the person behind us. Then I realized Liv and Angus had had no visible reaction. Liv sifted her hand back and forth through the grass while Angus tried to make her laugh. They hadn’t heard.
I whipped around.
It had been his voice. But he was looking off into the distance, pretending to study the people swimming down below. It sounded like he had said it to himself, in his head. I stumbled on that thought for a moment before deciding he must have murmured it and I was the only one listening. It actually kind of cracked me up that he had such disdain for Angus, who was starring in the worst love triangle anyone had ever seen. A one-sided love triangle, I guess. And then I felt uncomfortable that this stranger was seeing this.
“I had your sister out late last night,” Angus was saying to Liv.
“I know. What were you doing?”
Angus looked off into the distance at his friends, who were not-so-discreetly watching him in amazement. He was talking to Liv. It was a big deal. He was going to catch a lot of shit from them.
Angus turned back from the Lost Kids and looked at Liv, deliberately not answering her question. I wanted to say, Angus and I were out and he begged me to teach him more of the tricks I know. In fact, he had a knife through his hand at one point in the night, and then he hung himself from a tree, to see how long he could last, until I threatened to leave.
I tried to tell myself that if I hadn’t shown Angus my “tricks,” these guys would be deep into mind-numbing drugs. That’s where they’d been heading before this near-death crap. I completely understood they needed a release of some sort. These small tricks kept me sane so I could quash my instincts for the rest of the day. But if our families found out…I absentmindedly watched the sparkling water below. Of all the eyes on us, I was most conscious of the gaze coming from directly behind me. I tried again to block him out.
“I’m going for a swim.” Liv stood up suddenly and with two hands grasped the bottom of her short white dress and whipped it over her head. It was like all of Barton Springs turned to her in unison.
Liv clearly expected Angus to join her. But to my surprise and Liv’s, he didn’t move an inch.
“Enjoy.” He gave her a Cheshire grin. Liv pretended she didn’t care that he wasn’t following her like a puppy, and she walked lightly down the hill, resplendent in a white bikini setting off the glow of her tan skin.
Angus openly watched. I couldn’t believe it didn’t make Liv want to bolt, but she carried herself like she was impervious to scrutiny. I had to resist the urge to look over my shoulder to see if he was looking at her too.
Now that there was room on the blanket, I shifted so I could see Angus. He was looking at the water, momentarily lost in thought. I concentrated hard on maintaining a neutral expression so he wouldn’t have the satisfaction of knowing I was hurt.
From the intensity I’d felt in the air between them, it struck me that maybe Angus had spent the whole summer getting even closer to me in order to gain access to Liv.
That sudden realization made my stomach hurt. As if on cue, the sun broke through the trees and blazed onto my side and legs. Suddenly I wasn’t able to keep the noise from the water, the groups of people all around me, and the intensity of the stares at bay. I needed to process what had happened seconds before Angus sat down. I felt the tingle on my arms. The rash was about to appear. I didn’t know where I planned to go, but I made a move to stand up.
“Hey! Hey.” Angus’s voice suddenly gentled, and he grasped my wrist to pull me back down next to him. “Julia, it’s going to be okay. Shhhhh. Breathe.” He knew. He was the only person who understood what I was feeling and that I needed a release. As much as I hated myself for it, I let myself be soothed by him because it would work. When I let Angus hold me, I had the distinct sense the person behind me was reacting to the sight of Angus touching me. He didn’t like it.
As angry as he could make me, I had never been able to distance myself from Angus for long. He changed when he was around me. With his friends, he was the alpha dog whose moods were unpredictable. When he wasn’t playing mind games, he was outright taunting them into the next dare. But with me, when he wasn’t teasing and flirting, he was kind. I have to admit I loved it because I thought maybe he understood how hard my situation was in my family. He knew why I’d showed him the tricks. It was just one way to secretly be special in a family that said you couldn’t be. He’d wanted what I had so badly. I’d had no idea he’d be smart enough and talented enough to take it to a new level, using his own body for practice.
Angus examined me to see if I had pulled it together, and then his attention moved on again. He looked back at the water, searching for Liv. Without glancing at me he said, “Are you okay?”
“Why did you want to come here today, of all places?” I asked, my whisper so soft, I knew only Angus could hear. Too many confusing things were happening. It was rare for me to feel so out of control. I realized Angus must feel it too, but it was feeding him, giving him some kind of thrill.
Angus spoke softly, taking my cue. “What? You don’t like big groups of people?”
“No. Why would I?”
Angus shrugged. “I like watching them. You should too. There are well over seven billion of them, and they’re the ones in charge.”
“I think you like the chaos,” I said.
“I don’t know. They’re pretty predictable in their stupidity.” Angus suddenly changed the subject. “I heard your dad is back in the country. Do you know where he was?”
I shook my head. The whole point of Relocation was no one knowing where we were going. It minimized the risk and enabled us to start fresh someplace where no outsiders knew who we were, where it would hopefully take another twenty years before there was too much suspicion of our abilities, like there was now in Austin.
“I hear it’s going to be different this time.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, squinting at him.
“Like, not just changing identities and locati
on. Not just removing this shit.” Angus held up an arm, referring to his tattoos.
“But how else would we do it?”
“I don’t know.” Angus sounded pissed. “Maybe Novak tells them.” He looked over at Liv’s group of friends and gave them a dead-eyed stare.
Roger, one of the Lost Kids, interrupted us. He felt free to saunter over now that Liv was absent, and he started ribbing Angus about her in spite of my presence, which was doubly insulting. I thought the boys had assumed Angus and I were together.
“Shut up,” said Angus simply and seriously enough that Roger backed off immediately.
“Hey, we’re going in.” Roger stalked off, duly chastened and out of favor.
Angus made the move to stand up and leave me. I could sense he was antsy, and also feeling protective of Liv, who was in the water alone. My answer was to lash out.
Forever, I’d look back and wonder why, after all the years of mastering my emotions, I’d lost control so easily. I wanted to scare Liv away from Angus. I wanted to tempt him away with something I thought would trump his feelings for her. I wanted to hurt Liv for growing up and becoming like the rest of them.
But what if Roger had stayed, or what if Liv hadn’t gone to Barton Springs that day and jealousy hadn’t gotten the best of me? What if I’d left moments before instead of sitting back down? So many things could have changed the course of what happened next. One question turned my life upside down.
“Angus?”
He raised his eyebrows, as if to say, What now?
“Have you ever tried to drown?”
It was like you could see the wheels turning in Angus’s head. Then he wordlessly descended the hill to the water.
For a moment I felt nothing except self-satisfaction. Angus would choose the dare over Liv. That’s where his focus would go for the rest of the afternoon while she stood by, disgusted.
I took off my tank top and lay back on the blanket, feeling like I’d put everything back in order.
I sensed him behind me, and I tried not to care. I knew he needed to meet his brother. Any time now he would leave Barton Springs, and I’d never have to think about him, and what happened, again. But with my eyes closed, I realized I was listening for his movements.
Perhaps fifteen minutes passed, and I wondered if he’d left and I’d missed it completely. At the thought I sat up quickly, surprised by my disappointment.
He was reading his book again, but as soon as I sat up he looked over, his eyes scanning my body for a split second. Sweat trickled continuously down my back. I felt far too naked. Trying to cover his interest, he threw his book aside and felt for his phone. But now it was to check for the time, not for texts from his girlfriend. I felt it—he wasn’t thinking about his girlfriend now.
He stared at his phone, annoyed. Before I could turn away, he looked directly at me, making eye contact. “Excuse me, do you know what time it is?”
He obviously knew I’d heard him, but for a moment it seemed not answering would be the best thing to do, making it clear I didn’t want any contact.
But I couldn’t leave him hanging like that, I told myself. Without consulting a phone or a watch, I said, “Just after two.” My voice sounded a little huskier than I would have liked.
I was about to face forward again when he said, “I’m John.” And then to my pure mortification, I blushed.
I wasn’t sure what I was about to say in return when, without warning, I felt all the blood drain from my face. The feeling was like a connection had been severed, like a light had been switched off. I wasn’t sure how, but I suddenly knew Liv was gone.
I didn’t think about concealing anything. I ran so fast down the hill, I knew I was a blur, maneuvering too precisely between the groupings of people camped out on the now-jam-packed hillside.
Once I got through the people and leapt down to the sidewalk next to the springs, I ran directly to the far end of the pool, which was marked by a chain-link fence. Behind and below it was the runoff, a rocky pool a steep drop down where people took their dogs and swam for free. The Lost Kids were there at the entrance to the runoff. You could see the group of them diving and popping up like fish before going under again. It looked like they were taking turns trying to see something at the bottom of the pool, laughing and shouting to each other whenever they’d come up.
I heard myself scream, “She’s trapped!” I dove into the water, leaving behind me a crowd of people who’d risen to their feet.
The shock of the cold knocked the wind out of me. I swam hard over to the general area of the boys. It would seem suspicious that I hadn’t come up for air yet, but I was close now. I opened my eyes underwater. There were plants floating everywhere, and rays of sunlight were shining through the brown water in dusty beams. The stillness was in complete contrast to the chaos on the surface.
Between the bodies of the boys treading water, I saw Liv flattened against the runoff grate, sucked hard against it, long hair fanned eerily out around her. She wasn’t moving. I could hear the group shouting above the surface, yelling, “What are you doing? Leave her!” I heard Angus scream, “Shut the fuck up!”
Then I felt the intensifying suction of the water drawing me. I suddenly flew toward Liv, landing my feet against the metal bars to stop myself. I grasped at one of her arms, which floated lifelessly out from her side. Using all my strength, I tried to break away from the water’s pull and swim us to the surface. Her body didn’t follow. Through the haze, I saw her leg caught from the knee down in one of the slats of the grate, pinning her. I began desperately trying to free it. Her body was motionless, and I realized I was staring point-blank at someone who had drowned. I felt my own body begin to go into shock just as someone swiped at me underwater, trying to get my attention.
Like it was happening on a movie screen, I saw Angus angrily make a banging motion against the runoff grate. When he did it, a rusty slat bent outward, freeing Liv. Her body slammed against the grate again, the suction reclaiming her, and I struggled to grab hold of her.
Someone reached out to take her from me. Angus tried to stop him, lashing out with one long arm. I remembered his name was John. In the midst of the complete chaos, it came to me very clearly. He was the one who used his strength to haul Liv to the surface.
Everything happened in slow motion. John pulled Liv to the side of the pool, some of the Lost Kids right behind them. Hands of strangers reached out and helped move Liv’s body so that it was lying flat on the pavement. I flew up the silver ladder and rushed to Liv, Angus a second behind me. Somehow the group of us edged out the bystanders and circled Liv, trying to protect her from prying eyes.
“Livvy, come on.” I put my hands on her cheeks, until Angus pulled them away and started slapping Liv not so gently on the face.
“Come on, Liv.” This was lasting too long now. For a second Angus’s eyes met mine. “Are you kidding me?” I snarled at him. “She’s not like us.”
Angus couldn’t look at me and turned his attention back to Liv, determined to somehow make this okay.
“Liv!” I shouted at her, rubbing her arms. In my peripheral vision I saw George attempt to remove Angus.
“What did you do, you asshole? Get the fuck away from her.”
Within one second of George laying a hand on Angus, the Lost Kids jumped him. Marko, Daniel, and Max from Liv’s group descended upon our group to defend George. Suddenly I was surrounded by a nasty brawl, the Lost Kids choosing this moment to release months of repressed rage on Novak’s chosen ones.
“CPR?” It was John. Somehow he had remained in the inner circle, right there at Liv’s side.
“Not yet,” I answered.
I was vaguely aware of the shrieks of lifeguard whistles and sirens in the background. I bent low and started whispering in Liv’s ear, “It’s over. You’ve got this.” Before I could stop him, John moved fully over Liv and began using his hands to try to warm both her arms, undoubtedly the first stranger who had ever touched her.
I let out a ragged breath, as if I’d been hyperventilating this whole time. “What were you thinking?” I yelled. It was pure instinct, I was so scared. I had never yelled before in my life, and most definitely not at her.
Startled, Liv looked at me, and I watched the expression in her blue eyes cloud. I realized my mistake immediately. Lowering my voice, I asked, “Are you okay?” I stood and reached out protectively.
“Jesus. I’m fine.” She shook my hand off her arm.
Angus appeared, a gash under his eye and blood seeping from a cut on his head. He placed his hand gently on Liv’s back. Liv looked from me to Angus as if we were her parents, hovering. I could see she was deeply embarrassed, and I knew she suddenly felt like an inept little girl.
Liv took in the crowd around her. Things had suddenly grown very quiet.
“Thanks, Julia,” she said nastily, gesturing around her.
John sat back on his heels, trying to catch his breath, a long, raw scratch on his cheek from Angus. He looked up at me. His eyes told me he’d seen everything. He’d seen more than any other person had.
Excess adrenaline coursed through my body, and I felt like I was going to vomit as the enormity of what had just happened began to sink in. How had I known from halfway across the park that Liv was trapped underwater? And I had created a spectacle. We all had.
After being hyperfocused on Liv, I was fully coming out of a daze. With tunnel vision I saw lifeguards leading a pack of EMTs, all of them running toward us.
Moments before, the two groups had been beating each other to a pulp. Now, in what looked like a choreographed wave, the Lost Kids and Liv’s friends turned on the descending EMTs and lifeguards, forming a wall to block them from examining Liv. I saw Angus take hold of John’s arm to push him from us, but John jerked away. Everyone was yelling and shoving.